Katja Laurien

Inspiring your spiritual journey

How to Overcome Jealousy with Love

5. February 2018 • Katja Laurien

Being in the grip of jealousy is a terrible feeling. Everyone who has seriously experienced jealousy knows how paralyzing and irrational it can make you. Whether there is real cause for being jealous or it is just a suspicion, the feeling can completely captivate you and drain your energy. I am familiar with both situations. And I have learnt that whether my partner was just cheating on me in my head or cheating for real, in either case there was no need for me to feel bad. Today I will share with you some of the insights that helped me overcome my jealousy.

Genuinely loving the other

Have you ever asked yourself what the purpose of your relationship is? And what you expect from your partner? If your answer is that you love your partner because he makes you happy and you just want to stay together forever, you might rethink the purpose of your relationship. Is “making each other happy” and “staying together forever” really so important? Has a relationship failed once it’s over? I don’t think so.

What if we would make the purpose of our relationship to learn and grow together? This would have two beneficial side effects. First of all, it would mean that you would love your partner just the way he is. Whenever he triggers you, you would rather look inside to see which lesson you have to learn, rather than simply judging the other. Like this your partner will indirectly “make you happy”.

Secondly, you could enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts. Moment to moment, day to day. A relationship is not a failure when it ends, it just means that it doesn’t serve the partners anymore. They can take the learnt lessons and apply them in a new relationship, where they continue learning. The value of a relationship should not be measured by its duration, but by the lessons learnt within the duration. Some people can learn a valuable lesson by leaving their partners lovingly after an act of infidelity. Others immensely benefit from learning how to forgive their partners in this situation.

How could I possibly remain loving towards my partner after such an act?

By realizing that no one ever hurts you on purpose. The only reason people will ever hurt you is because they are hurt themselves. This does not imply that you have to stay and forgive your partner. Even though he might not have done it to hurt you, he has still done it consciously and will have to live with the consequences. And if you believe you have to punish him by hating him, you are on the wrong track. He was probably suffering enough even before the deed. Why should a happy person live with lies and cheat? And besides, isn’t it painful enough to loose a loving partner?

Realizing that it’s not your partners responsibility to stay faithful is a huge relief. It is your responsibility how you react. And your reaction will greatly depend on whether you genuinely love your partner or not. This means that you should also lovingly let your partner go if he falls in love with his lover and decides to leave you. If you really love someone, you only want their happiness. Even if that means not being with you.

Genuinely loving yourself

Now it’s time to throw a critical eye on your role within the relationship. Are you only worthy if your partner loves you? Are you a passive receiver of his actions? I guess it’s clear that I am trying to mirror your own worthiness and responsibility. We just discussed that your partner is inherently good, even though he makes mistakes. Couldn’t that mean that you are also lovable even if your partner feels attracted to someone else? Don’t forget that this HIS action and not yours. His actions say something about him and he is the one to carry the consequences.

What counts for you are YOUR actions. These will determine the extent to which you are suffering. Because actually no one could ever really hurt you. It’s your interpretations and your behaviour that makes you suffer. So next time you feel the jealousy coming up, change your internal story. Make yourself clear that is has NOTHING to do with you. Even if your partner says it has to do with the fact that he doesn’t love you, does that mean that you are only worthy if this particular person loves you? If this is how you feel, you clearly need more self love. When my partner cheated on me I withdrew my focus from him and his actions to me and my actions. Instead of obsessing about him and his choices, I literally hugged myself and soothed my inner child with loving words and actions. This actually made me feel more empowered and connected to myself than ever!

If nothing really has happened and you are suspecting something, it is also wise to do some introspection. Sure, if your partner is behaving really strangely, you always have the right to ask for clarity. But eventually it is your decision whether you want to obsess about the issue or whether you want to let it go. Ask yourself where the jealousy comes from? What does it say about you? What does it say about your relationship? And your love for your partner? Turn your jealousy into an internal journey towards inner wisdom, understanding and love.

Genuinely loving life

Life is wonderful and flawless. And cheesy as it may sound, everything eventually happens for a reason. Sometimes life has strange ways and it’s hard for us to see the benefits. You can always choose whether to resist whatever happens or just go with the flow. Resisting is energy draining and means not trusting in life. And jealousy is a form of resistance. With your jealousy you are not allowing your partner nor yourself to make the experiences that you need to make in life. What if your partners infidelity turns out to be the best thing that happened to you or your relationship?

This was the case with me and my ex partner. He was having an affair with a lady who madly fell in love with him. She knew about my existence and enhanced her chances of him leaving me by telling me the truth and by secretly not taking the pill. Her plan worked out pretty well and she ended up being pregnant. After six months of pregnancy he started to become afraid she might deny him the contact with his child due to the fact that he had neglected her. He wanted to visit her for a month since they were living in different countries. In order to save money he wanted to stay in her house. Normally, I would have never wanted my partner to stay in the same house with his ex lover who was carrying his baby. But after two days of thinking about this situation, I realized that there was nothing to fear. If he would cheat again, she would definitely tell me again and I would find out he was not the right one for me. Why should I “prevent” someone from cheating on me? Only to spend more of my precious years with this person and find out after ten years that our relationship values don’t match after all? No, I decided to trust my partner, love myself and let life guide me through this journey.

In the end, he didn’t cheat on me, but he still left me. Now, more than one year later, my life has changed completely and I dare to say that this relationship has played a big role. In this relationship I learned to love my partner, myself and life. And yes, life did make wonderful decision to make him leave me. At that point I couldn’t see our incompatibility and the fact that he wasn’t ready yet to grow. His pain was bigger than mine and I nearly inhibited myself from growing by staying with him. By choosing love over fear I ended up being in a place far better than I could have imagined a year ago. From the bottom of my heart I would like to encourage you to do the same!