Katja Laurien

Inspiring your spiritual journey

Never settle for less in relationships

7. October 2018 • Katja Laurien

Obviously, you should never settle for less. In any situation. This post is about relationships because this is where I personally struggled most. And I assume I’m not the only one. This is why I want to share my story with you. My past relationships have been rather “suboptimal”. I don’t want to call them shitty or anything like that, because without them I wouldn’t have been where I am now. Especially my last relationship really triggered me a lot. And thank God it did. Without this relationship I wouldn’t have asked myself where my dysfunctional relationship pattern came from. I wouldn’t have worked on myself and I wouldn’t have had the knowledge and the self love I have now. Well, let me just start telling you my story…

Set your intention

When my last ex boyfriend left me, I was well aware of the fact that the relationship was everything but functional (actually I knew it from the start). I was sad when he left, but on the other hand I knew this was going to be the best for everyone involved; especially for me. Now I had the chance to set new intentions. I was motivated more than ever to be in a healthy, adult relationship.

I wrote a personal mission statement which included a section “romantic relationships”. The most important aspect for me was to be with someone who either loved himself or at least was actively working on his personal growth. Apart from this I had some other demands on my future lover: he had to be a nature lover, he would want to live on a (self sufficient) farm with me, he had to funny, respectful and open minded. Ooh and of course he had to be a great communicator! I was not going to settle with a man anymore who didn’t know how to express his feelings or tell me the truth. Still, by far the most important to me was being with someone who actively pursued his own self love and personal growth. Therefore, I first needed to continue my own pursuit of self love…

Know your worth

And I did. I learnt that the main reason why I even got caught in all those dysfunctional relationships was because I wasn’t functioning at my best. Maybe I am not phrasing this correctly, because in fact there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I didn’t need any fixing. Actually all I needed to do was getting to know myself better. Getting to know my worth. Not knowing myself was the root of my problematic choice of partners and my own behavior. I figured that once I’d really know myself, I’d automatically make different decisions and behave in healthier ways.

“First of all, I needed to become my own dream lover”

I discovered all the good traits within myself which I would love to see in a partner. Whenever I discovered something within myself I wouldn’t want to see in a partner I would ask myself where it came from. I tackled problems from the root without judging. Slowly, I really started liking myself more. I also enjoyed being single immensely. “Me-time” meant doing all things I wanted to do, with whom I wanted, how I wanted and when I wanted. Alone I always had fun. The internal quarrels got less and less and whenever there was an issue I would sooth and support myself instead of judging myself. First of all, I needed to become my own dream lover.

I remember having a conversation with colleagues about relationships. I told them that I was open for a relationship, but not for just any kind of guy. He needed to be worthy of me and my time. And if he didn’t, Id happily continue being single. In the end, I already had a pretty good lover by my side: myself. I didn’t really miss that anything, except for some cuddling. But getting into a messy relationship just for some cuddling? Don’t think so…

My need for being a relationship or receiving male attention was practically gone. The universe tested me a couple of times by sending men on my path with whom I would have fallen in love previously. But now I could see beforehand how this would end in drama and made the wise decision to keep these men in the friend zone.

The result…

I was completely prepared to spend my life all by myself if I wasn’t going to meet someone I could have a healthy, adult relationship with. But then the magic happened. About a month after I had this conversation with my colleagues, this most perfect man miraculously came into my life. Completely unexpected, but very welcome.

It took me some time to realize he was for real. He literally met all my demands and even had some extra’s I hadn’t wished for. My former self started to doubt. Am I really worthy of his love? Isn’t he too good for me? Isn’t he too good to be true? He’s probably going to change soon… These and many more thoughts crossed my mind. Once I noticed what was happening, I just observed my thoughts and let them go. I knew where these thoughts came from and I knew that it was not true. I was worthy and the fact that this man entered my life was just more than natural and even logical.

We are still in the beginning of our relationship, and I don’t know where it’s going to end. Funny thing is I don’t even care too much where it’s leading. It feels wonderful for now and the future will bring whatever is best for both us. As it always does. But I can already feel a difference. In my former relationships I would actually know from the start that things were odd, but I thought my love would heal all problems. And in fact my love did heal all problems. But I first needed to direct the love to myself, instead of wanting to heal someone else with it.