If you’ve followed my blog a bit you might know that I had been in a relationship with my first perfect partner ever. My history of negative relationships patterns seemed endless which is why I was all the more delighted when I met this gentle, respectful and funny man. Finally, I had found someone with whom I could have a mature relationship! Coming from relationships where dependency and fear were the driving force, it was such a relief to finally be able to have a relationship which was based on honesty, respect and trust. To me this experience was so new, I savored every little aspect of it and almost bragged about how happy I was within my relationship, how free and supported I felt.
But as we all know: Pride comes before a fall. One day, completely out of the blue, the relationship was over. His first big love with whom he had shared a short but very intense period, somehow came back into his life and his emotions took him on a rollercoaster ride. He started doubting our relationship due to the feelings he obviously still had for her. Knowing that he couldn’t sort out his feelings for her while being in a relationship with me, he decided to put an end to our relationship.
Even though I was very sad to let go of such an awesome person with whom I’ve really spent a great time and who has given me so much in so many ways, I quickly accepted his decision. In the end, I love him and myself enough to wish both of us to be in a relationship where both partners are equally invested and both partners are clear about their feelings. None of us deserves to live in doubt and fear of making the wrong decision.
So, I lovingly let him go. Even though this man had meant so much to me, it only took me two days of grieving, after that I had complete peace with his decision. In those two days I not only grieved having lost a wonderful man, but also his loving family, who’ve all brought light and joy into my life. Apart from the grief, I didn’t feel any other emotions. No anger, no resentment, no “wishing things would be different”.
I also didn’t create any stories about him in my mind, which gave me loads of time to look at myself and my role in all of this. Initially, it felt so good to feel that I got my own back, that I didn’t abandon myself (what I had done far too many times before) and that I had full trust in the universe that all was happening for a reason and all was going to be good, for both of us. I could literally feel my self love running through my veins and I instantly knew I was never going to lose myself again. Knowing that I can always rely on the most important person in my life (ME) made me feel ecstatic. With myself on my side, I felt I could handle the entire world!
Once the feelings of ecstasy ebbed away, I was suddenly flushed with self doubt: How could I let myself be in a relationship with someone who obviously didn’t open himself up to me the way I did to him? Was this just some strange form of emotional dependency (the reason all my previous relationships had failed) which was so deep-seated and subtle that I didn’t even notice it? Sure, I noticed that he was emotionally not as open as I was, that he had problems telling me that he loved me and that he was generally more reserved in uttering his feelings. I just thought that that was simply who he was. He always treated me with respect and honesty and the fact that he was more reserved than I has never caused me to feel unhappy or doubtful. In fact, I always saw it as his loss not to be able to savor our relationship the way I did. Instead of blaming him, I simply felt gratitude for all my painful past relationships which allowed me to enjoy this stable relationship. He had never experienced such troublesome relationships which is why I thought he couldn’t value our relationship to the extent that I did. Obviously, I sensed his reservations, but never did it cross my mind to change him or to take any of it personal.
In a strange way this is exactly what distressed me in hindsight. Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to allow myself to be with someone who fully loves me. Could I trust myself again in relationships? Could I trust my feelings were going to allow me to be with someone who really cared about me the way I deserve it? Suddenly, it almost felt like I had broken up with myself out of the blue. As if I were in the situation of my ex-partner: I really thought I loved myself and then something happened and suddenly I started doubting my own self love.
Fortunately, this state of doubt didn’t last too long either. Only three days after the breakup I stumbled upon a talk from Abraham Hicks which I had listened on repeat when we first started dating. I loved this talk so much and this was exactly how I wanted my relationship to be which is why I listened to it daily, making sure the information will permeate my whole soul and being.
In case, you don’t have time to listen to it (it’s not even 10 minutes, but 10 minutes of intense wisdom!), let me give you a short summary: The main goal of being in a relationship is to feel the flow of love within yourself. This short fictional dialogue summarizes it perfectly:
“I love you so much, because source flows through me.”
“And what about me?”
“Well, you’re okay, but the reason why I love you is because source is flowing through me and I am LOVE and you’re my object of attention!”
“But I want to be reason why you love.”
“Sorry, that’s not how it works. You’ll never be the reason why I love, but I’ll promise you I’ll hook up with source energy and love will flow through me and I’ll hold you as my object of attention and you’ll feel my expanded love!”
When I accidentally came across this talk, I immediately felt drawn to listen to it again, as I remembered that I had sworn myself that this talk was going to be the basis of my relationship. While listening to it, my self doubts disappeared in an instant! (Can I just quickly remark how great the universe works? I hadn’t listened to the talk for nearly 1.5 years and there it suddenly was, just at the right time!) Listening to the wise words of Abraham Hicks, I suddenly realized I hadn’t ignored my feelings of not being loved back for 100%. I did love myself and the reason why I couldn’t care much whether the love was reciprocated or not was because love was flowing through me.
And believe me, it feels GREAT! And that’s why I also felt great within the relationship. I allowed myself to be present and to savour every single second of it, bathing myself in my own flow of love. Once you’re in this state of free flowing love, you don’t expect anything back from your partner. To me love stopped being a game of equal exchange where I’d feel I had given more than my fair share. Giving and simply being present just felt so good, why would I even attempt giving less? Obviously, I did expect the basics: respect, trust and honesty. And those I got. So, I had nothing to lose and could allow myself to let the flow of love take over.
Unfortunately, many people fear that allowing themselves to experience their feelings to the fullest will overwhelm them. They’re afraid to lose control as they don’t know where their feelings are going to take them. But in reality, allowing yourself to feel and express your feelings will actually bring you freedom and bliss. It’s only by truly acknowledging and allowing your feelings that you’re not going to suffer. Not in the relationship and not out of the relationship.
While I was in the relationship I didn’t suffer, because I purely enjoyed my feelings. I let my feelings take over and didn’t fear to get hurt. I simply enjoyed the present moment, in which neither past nor future played a role. In that very moment I was happy, there was no need to worry about anything that was not present. My only task was to enjoy the love that was flowing through my body in the here and now.
Instinctively, I knew I was the only person who could inflict pain upon myself by not allowing myself to be in this flow which inevitably happens when you let yourself get carried away by your mind. Your mind will create scenarios or come up with justifications which will keep you from experiencing the moment. Instead, you’ll use your energy to build an energetic armour around yourself, as a way of “protection”. An armour with which you can control the amount of love you allow to flow in and out, the amount that feels safe. But this is an illusion. The armour (which many of us unfortunately are not even aware of) is not going to protect you at all and is even the cause for your loss of control. Instead of protecting you, all this defense mechanism does is disabling you from letting your inner light shine through. Let go of your armour. Allow the flow of feelings to rush through you and experience what it means to create your own freedom.
“The more you allow yourself to experience feelings, the less you can be enslaved by them.”
- Anaiya Sophia
Even when I got out of the relationship, I didn’t suffer. Don’t get me wrong, I felt pain, but I definitely didn’t suffer. I knew that at least I had enjoyed the relationship to the fullest. I was left with beautiful memories of true love, memories no one is ever going to take away from me. Also the feelings are mine and I am going to take them to the next relationship. In fact, I don’t even need a relationship to enjoy those feelings, they will always be a part of me and I can willingly choose my objects of attention, no matter whether this is a new partner, a good friend, a flower or my bicycle.
When I look back at the relationship, I can’t say I lost anything. I’ve only gained. I’ve gained wonderful memories with great people and now I’ve just gained new space and time in my life to create new memories with new people, situations and surroundings. Compare it to travelling: Would you reject going on holidays because you know you’ll create awesome memories and meet wonderful people which eventually you’ll have to leave behind? No, that’s the reason why you go! You go in order to make the best possible memories and let people in your life who rock your world! And you’re expectations of a relationship shouldn’t be any different.
So, next time you embark on this wonderful trip called love, remind yourself to unimpededly allow the flow and to just live the moment. This won’t ensure that you’ll have a lasting relationship, which as we learned now, is not necessarily the goal. But it will ensure that you’ll have an awesome time, that you’ll feel good wherever you go, whatever you do, because this feeling of love is just soooo good!
You also don’t have to fear your love will be abused or you’ll end up with someone who’s not worthy of your love. Years ago I read a passage in the book “Practicing the Power of Now” which for good has eliminated my fears of being in a “wrong” relationship (emphasis added by me):
“In fact, the moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First stop judging yourself, then stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are immediately over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused.
This is also the end of all codepency, of being drawn into somebody’s unconscious patterns and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate- in love- or move even more deeply into the Now together, into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it’s that simple.
Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.”
- Eckhart Tolle
Also Mr. Tolle lets us know that allowing the flow of love is not going to guarantee you’ll live happily ever after. But it ensures that on the long run you’ll stay with the right person, which is the person who’s equally open to immerse himself to love as a state of being, someone who can love fearlessly, is not entangled in unconscious patterns and who can see himself and you clearly: as beings in the state of love. And anyone who’s not (yet) open for this kind of love, will be gently separated from you, leaving you unharmed and still full of love.
I’d also like to add that I strongly believe that once you’ve learnt your lesson of fearless love, you’ll most likely not even attract those people into your life anymore. They either won’t show up or you won’t feel attracted anymore to people who don’t vibrate on the same frequency. And as long as they do appear and we do feel the attraction, there’s obviously a lesson we still need to learn. Go ahead, learn the lesson, but learn it with an open, fearless heart!
If you feel you can’t open your heart, that means you’re still having unresolved inner wounds which you should attend to. Whether you let those wounds bleed in the pain of being alone or whether you want them to bleed in a painful relationship that’s driven by dependence and unconscious patterns, is totally up to you. As long as you take the time to actively and intensively care for your inner wound, with love and attention. Because time does not heal any wounds. Looking away and waiting for better days is not an option, as the pain will only get back to you twice as strong. So, decide for yourself: Are you going to dare this leap into the unknown or are you going to wait for the universe to shake you up with the next painful event?
I hope I have left you with more understanding of love and relationships, so you’ll never doubt again about what to do or not to do in a relationship as essentially there is only one thing you need to do: stay present, open your heart and welcome the flow of love!